Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

487320_671407048033_2131453871_nMy wife and I normally a sucker for anything seasonal.  But we’ve been trying not to be impulsive with our money just because we see something pretty on Hulu (via their commercials since we don’t have cable – please see my article on why we will never need to buy cable again!).  So when my wife, Malia, informed me that McDonald’s Shamrock Shake was back in season I knew I had to try to help her not make an impulsive buy.  Apparently she has submission issues…

We went ahead to McDonald’s after she picked me up from Church to wet our pallets with some minty ice cream goodness.  The commercials were so appealing after all.  The promise of a light green minty ice cream shake.  Who ain’t have time for that?

Even as we pull up into the drive through we are bombarded by pictures of this delightful shake which apparently is going to solve all our problems and make us smile ridiculously hard – according to the ads. Six bucks later we get our shakes and on our way.

Then we notice the horror that rests in our cup holders.

shamrockshake2-thumb-250x396Now that they are putting the shakes in the clear plastic cups – you can see exactly what your drinking.  Which isn’t the evenly smooth light green color with some streaks of white running along the sides of the cup to give a “I’ve been mixed via a blender look” What we got were very dark patches green of syrup in an other wise slimy looking drink.

We thought, “Maybe it still tastes good…” WRONG.  Both of us got a MASSIVE hit of green mint syrup at the bottom of the drink that made me go temporarily blind.  (I sure hope it was the shake or I probably need to go see a doctor immediately.)  We took these disgusting drinks back and ask for fresher ones.  They try to pour me more but the “mint syrup” was almost gone so I watch them pour more syrup into this filthy container on the floor that was connected to a hose that mixed it with the “shake”  Then I watched as he poured us new drinks that looked and tasted even worst than the previous ones.

Conclusion
Don’t buy this death in a cup.  I’ll be the first to admit I need to do a better job about what I consume.  But this is a true waste of money and honestly is probably a determent to the health of anyone who stares at it for longer than 5 seconds.

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Sam’s Club & Costco: To some, a beacon of bulk buy savings… To me, a dissent into madness.  I want to save money, I really do!  It’s my #05 hobby on this website!  But for me, sometimes going to these bulk buy stories is more trouble than its worth.  Therefore I am introducing my latest hobby #33 “People Watching”  The following are my top 3 reasons why I hate going to these stores.

People Make The Parking Lot a Death Trap
It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, you’re hitting all green lights.  Everything is going great.  Then you pull into the parking lot.  Correction, you pull into the line, to get into the parking lot.  That is the case for my Costco in Gaithersburg Maryland.  There is stopped traffic before making the turn into Costco because so many people are trying to get in.  Upon entering their parking lot, it is as if people believe they are exempt from all rules of the road now.  Driving on the wrong side, bumping predestines with their SUV’s, double parking anywhere and everywhere… These are just a few of the practices of the parking lot as a driver.

As a predestine you must either stand your ground – or run for your life.  If a driver senses any fear or hesitation in your direction of movement, you will be hit, they will try to say you’re the one at fault!

People Block An Entire Isle Whenever Possible2012-05-09t143655z_1_cbre84814lm00_rtroptp_3_usa.grid-6x3
I’m dumbfounded every 5 minutes or so as I am unable to pass through an isle because some man or woman has blocked the entire isle with herself and her cart, blissfully unaware of that fact she isn’t the only person in the store.

Now, you might ask, “But, those isles are really big, even is she turned her cart sideways and stood in front of it, there should be room, right?”  Correct, in a perfect world this design would work.  But wherever their are people, we will find ways to mess things up.  For example, the following are three examples I encountered YESTERDAY.

  • There is a large steel support pole to the roof somewhere in the isle.  People are somehow attracted to these poles and puts their cart at an angle so that no one can pass as they browse the isle.
  • There is one of those free sample venders at the end of an isle.  There vender station takes up 1/3 of the exit out of the isle.  Therefore the logical thing to do is to place your cat at the other 1/3 and for you to stand in the middle while eating a free sample.  FAIL.
  • You have two carts – You may polity pull one of your carts off to the side, but your unruly 11 year old son is taking the other cart and crashing into everything that dares to try to pass him.

People Shop WHILE Waiting In Line. 
You see – there are always lines.  People go to these stores to buy a LOT of stuff.  So lines are to be expected.  I think it would be foolish to go to these stores and not expect to wait for at least 15 minutes in line.  Some people, however, think that is a utter waste of time.  So what do they do?  THEY GET IN LINE AND CONTINUE TO SHOP THROUGHOUT THE STORE.  Most commonly I see a parent with several kids with them.  The parent gets in line while the kids run throughout the store grabbing what they need so that by the time they get to the front of the line they’ve finished shopping…only this never happens.

“Oh, sir, wait just a moment, my baby had to go get something else out of the bakery section”  So now everyone behind you is waiting for Timmy to get back with 6 loafs of bread.  I don’t understand!  Is our world in such a hurry today that we try to time getting in line early while sending other people to get the rest of the food?

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My last Post highlighted a few Conspiracy Theories (Including Bane’s Involvement!)  You can check out that post at the link Here

Now here are the next set of my top Conspiracy Theories

  • The Parents of the couches didn’t want it to be a complete blow out, so they cut the power.
  • BP somehow managed to drive their Oil Rig up on shore, transport it to the power company, and spill Oil all over the power plant.
  • CBS was losing ratings because the game was practically over, so they cut the power.
  • North Korea’s “satellite” fell out of orbit and hit the power plant near the Super-Dome
  • Alicia Keys, already seeing commentators not liking her slower version of the National Anthem, wanted to quickly change the subject & Cut the power

What are your theories!? Leave your comments below!

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Like you, my twitter and facebook feed blew up during the power outage.  Here at the top Conspiracy Theories that I thought was awesome.  Enjoy!

  1. The 49ers paid Bane (from Batman) to create a distraction.
  2. Beyonce Caused the power outage from that crazy power consuming half time show.
  3. The NFL didn’t pay their Electric Bill
  4. The 49ers needed more time to practice.
  5. “Anonymous has spoken by killing the lights at the Super Bowl. They don’t like Beyonce either.” -John Roush

What are your theories!? Leave your comments below!

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So I’m sitting here watching the superbowl.  I get up to make some cheese dip and all of a sudden I’m not hearing anything… I look at the screen and most of the stadium is dark… No speakers… no lights… Wow…. All I can do is laugh.

Growing up, I’ll admit it, our family (as a kid) had the power cut out on us when we couldn’t afford to pay… But… Common.  The power company didn’t have to cut the power DURING the Superbowl?!  Common NFL… All the mad money you’re making during this Super Bowl and yall couldn’t pay the power company?  Hey, NFL, just give me a call and I’ll let you know about how to use “BillPay”  hahah Oh well… Let endless amounts of mocking the NFL begin!

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Hobby #22 – Comic Books!  I am a pretty big Comic Book fan.  Meaning I actually buy comic books.  Regardless weather or not you buy comic books you are more than likely familiar with the more popular superheros.  Batman, Iron Man, Green Lateran, Wonder Woman, Spiderman, X-men, etc.  But there is one superhero EVERYONE has heard of.  Arguably the most recognized superhero in the world:  Superman.  Yes the man from krypton who has the iconic Red cape and blue tights.  Everyone knows superman.  But do you really like superman?  I don’t mean if he is you’re favorite superhero or anything, I mean… Don’t you find yourself despising him just a little, if not a whole lot?  The following are 4 Reasons Why You Subconsciously Hate Superman.

4. You Find His Powers Atrociously Absurd.  According to Wiki Superman has 12 superhuman powers.  They are as follows: Superhuman Strength, Invulnerability, Flight, Superhuman Speed, X-Ray Vision, Heat Vision, Superhuman Breath, Superhuman Hearing, Superhuman Smell, Photographic Memory, Inability to be Recognized while wearing glasses.

When you see all the powers lined up like this, you quickly realize this list of powers is ridiculous.  AND this isn’t even the whole list.  He has many obscure abilities he only uses once or twice because for some reason the other 12 didn’t cut it (Such as being able to reverse the rotation of the Earth thus turning back time it’s self… because we all know the flow of time depends on the earth turning clockwise.) You’d think the creator would have thought around 4 powers “that’s enough.” Nope.  He kept piling them on.  You subconsciously hate superman, because reminds you of “that guy” in middle school who could do anything you could do, but better.  That person even was naturally talented at things which took you years to even be called “intermediate”.  He reminds you of all the people whoever had a skill better than you.  Com’mon Superman, don’t be that guy.

3. You Find His Weaknesses Equally As Absurd.  A little green metal from Superman’s home planet known as Kryptonite is the only known weakness to the Man of Steel.  However his weakness was not created from the beginning.  Superman became a comic back in 1939.  Kyptonite was not introduced into the comics as his weakness until 1949 – 10 years later!  They finally realized its not very entertaining to watch a godlike character beat up the common thug with 12 unstoppable powers. 

Here’s the kicker though, it doesn’t just Zap some of his powers, or slowly reducing the potency of all of his powers.  The moment he is exposed to the metal he is rendered as helpless as a new born infant, pathetically wobbling his head around like a baby looking for milk.  One of the reasons you subconsciously hate Superman is because his one weakness is so unbelievably crippling, you can’t believe he’s not dead yet. Can’t he carry around an epipen in his little red tights or something?  You know that crazy long syringe people who have severe allergic reactions to stuff like honey and peanuts or have to jab into themselves or they will die?  Get better superman.

2. People Should Fear Him, but meh… Now if I lived in a city where a freakishly strong alien lived who can hear injustice happening from a mile away, I would think twice about robbing someone… Forget robbing people, I’d be nervous to jaywalk!  But no.  Crime continues, some would argue it has gotten worse since Superman’s arrival to MetropolisThere is never any mention of a long history of Super Villains before Superman came.  Sure there was crime, but no “mad scientists” trying to blow up the city to get to superman.  But even with all those limitless superpowers, his main downfall is our number 1 Reason why you Subconsciously Hate Superman.

1.  You’re Annoyed He Doesn’t Know How to Close the Deal.  He is an awful, awful fighter.  Think about it. 12 amazing powers.  Why does it take several comics, or a whole episode for him to beat someone?  Most of the times Superman gets smacked around like someone who stole food from a pregnant woman, (Its okay, I can say that.  My wife is pregnant).  But really, if you’ve ever read a comic, watched a movie, or the cartoon.  All superman knows how to do is get completely owned by his opponent the entire time.  He is the king of getting trashed and looking a hot mess by the end of the comic.  That might be fine if you’re any other superhero.  But come on “Man of Steel” way to have the most ridiculous godlike powers among all superheros and still find new ways to have your face shoved in the mud.  GET BETTER!

Hobby #2 on my list – Mobile Gaming.

So if you’ve been watching TV, Hulu, or Netflix, you’ve likely been bombarded with “The Sim, Free to Play!” commercials like I have.  And well, after seeing a commercial numerous times I decided to submit to the mighty advertising and give it a try.  I wasn’t a big fan of the mobile version.  My wife, however, has spend hours upon hours on it already. She already has about six Sims and is looking to upgrade her house.

So obviously the first thing, like any normal person would do, she does is have her Sims look for jobs.  She was highly frustrated to find out that once you send your Sims to work they are LITERALLY gone for 7 hours and return with only $135.  She was devastated because at this rate she would never be able to remodel their houses with only the finest digital wallpaper Sims money could buy.

Upon fiddling around with other money making options in the game she discovers that if you buy a bag of seeds for $40, you can grow $300 of potatoes in a mere 2 hours!  That’s a $260 profit!  But this is where our story turns into something straight out of Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. It always starts off innocent enough.  But it always ends in horror…

She tells all the Sims to quit their jobs.  She pools all their money together and buys a new plot of land with no house on it.  She then plants 6 dirt patches and calls all the Sim’s over.  Finally she commands each Sim to tirelessly working the field, 2 hours a a time to bring in $1,560 in just 2 hours instead of letting them have a social life and bathroom breaks at a real job which would only produce $918 (among the six of them) in 7 hours.

Notice my wife's Sims Slaving Farm. Complete with a fence on all sides. Also protected against anything that might hinder productivity: Tv, Computers, Chairs, Human Resources Department, Bathrooms breaks, Talking, Questioning their Supreme Leader... But they can have all the potato's they can eat*!

*Limited to one potato per day.